3/17
It’s so weird having to be “on my best behavior” when everything inside my body is ramping up and not feeling well. When I’m not feeling well, where my nose is clogged up and I’m super stiff, everything seems to bug me so much more than it usually would. I don’t think that’s abnormal, but it’s really hard in those moments to be able to snap your mind into a state for which you can think more clearly. Hmm I wonder what I can do about that?
I’m at home now in the standing frame! I did a thing I haven’t done in a while! Honestly getting up to stretch makes me feel so freaking good. I love it.
I’m sitting down right now, in a position that I haven’t been able to experience yet. It’s kinda an intimate position, and it’s crazy how it gets my head going. My elbows are on my knees, and my legs are supporting them. I don’t have any hesitations leaning the weight of my upper body on them. It’s a good feeling to know that I can put my elbows here, just like I used to when I would sit here.
Thinking about everything going on and what situation I am in, is sometimes really hard. I’m so happy for the ones close to me, and their situations and life events that are going on. I really am! I guess it’s just more of a realization that I am working on something so completely different, that I have to focus solely and so intentionally on this. Regardless of where my life takes me in the future. This is where I am right now. And sometimes it’s hard to have to deal with. It’s not that I feel like I can’t do this, or that I won’t continue working on myself, but it’s sometimes a hard reality that I live in.
Oof. I thought I was well hydrated today…. I haven’t had super successful outputs today and it gets me all stressed. I don’t want to have drank too much water before I go to sleep, as I don’t want to get up early cuz I have to pee. I also don’t want to sit around and get tight cuz I’m dehydrated. This seems to always create an interesting situation where I am not sure if I should or should not drink water… it’s so tough cuz it’s hard to get out of bed by myself, and I don’t want to have to ask Callie in the middle of the night, but I also don’t want to be so stiff that I can’t get up either….. I always get myself into these corners where it becomes increasingly difficult to get thru the day. Slow down, take a breath, and get some rest. We can hit it all tomorrow!
“So cool!
You got to keep plenty of attainable goals out in front of you.” – quote from Bill
It’s really true, and we need to make sure we do that for ourselves. I’m really going to be working on getting to the gym 5x this week! And I’m also going to try to support myself without the chest support in the standing frame. I figure these are both things that I can work on.
I know that I will need a strong upper body, and especially a strong core when I want to get walking more! I have to make sure I’m constantly setting attainable goals, and working towards them!
3/18
So, I started today with the morning run in my head. It took me 20min to try to explore the running route that max and I did almost every morning! I love that I have such a vivid memory of that run. I cannot wait till I can get myself back into a situation to do that!
Wow, I had so many dreams as well! I was at my old elementary school, doing some interesting exploring while I didn’t have a shirt on for some reason? I also was walking this entire time! The other dream that I had, I remember that Callie and I were exploring Tech, and every time I would stop the wheelchair, I would get out, and make small walks/ adjustments. I remember there were stores that we were going in and out of, and I would stand up to look at the clothing rack, and pick something off it while I was standing! I remember running into my old roommate Alex, and him and I hadn’t seen each other in such a long time. We had met back up and I started to tell him about the accident and what happened.
I also remember seeing some really large waves. We were standing and looking thru a balcony, and there were what looked like 20-40ft waves that some kids were “standing” on and getting ready to drop in off. What was interesting too is that the water was mixed with ice, and created a very beautiful scene to behold. I was watching in awe at this all, and I remember that someone came up out of nowhere to tell all these people to get out of the water. They looked down, and hollered at this one girl, “you too, volcano diver” and this girl jumped into a crack in the ice and went underneath the water. They had said that she was a volcano diver, which I didn’t really understand either.
It’s all so very weird, yet it’s also so very interesting looking at my watch sleep data. I am sometimes so consciously awake.
I just realized something. All this tightness in my abdomen is probably partially due to weakness, as well as range of motion…. It sounds really silly to say it out loud, but the more I get to work it, the better off I should be. Fingers crossed. 🤞
I’m thinking about what I need to tell the therapists about from this weekend, and what progress I have made, and what is new… I’m always thinking about what has and hasn’t been done just yet. I think the 5x a week plan, and the goal to get myself up in the frame without any support is a great start.
I made it to the gym! Ian and I worked out! I am glad I was able to make it, and I guess that’s why I am getting to the gym to strengthen everything back up!
3/19
Don’s right. Paul’s right. It’s better to go slow and consistent than trying to go way to quick and strain and hurt something. Chest day right now at 9pm is really tough! For all sorts of reasons!
Trying to adjust the cable machine was really difficult. When the handle was too low, I end up pulling on it in a tricky way, and it binds the whole machine up. So, I had to ask for some help. I was able to make a new friend out of the deal! Don was really friendly and gave me some parting advice, which was really reasonable and helpful as well!
It’s interesting, because I am at the gym right now all by myself, and it gives me a lot of time to think about the day and what I’m doing, and what I need to do. It’s really therapeutic. By giving myself the chance to actually work on myself, mentally and physically, it really gives me chance to work thru all the hurdles in my life that I must face. Because, at this point in my life, it’s a lot. Everything I’m doing is helping me be able to get back to being a “real” person, whatever that word means to everyone. I guess we all have different definitions of that, but I know what it means to me. Spinal cord injuries have a funny way of doing that to you.
I’m really thinking about this, and my day, and how my abdomen is feeling right now. It’s so fatigued, but it needs more. More working, more stretching, just more help. I really am feeling how moving my body in ways that I haven’t before really does change how I physically think. As in, I haven’t moved my body in the motion like a chest press since the accident, and I have to really think about this motion. The entire process, setting it up, and following thru, is extremely intensive. But it’s a great chance to give myself the opportunity to actually do more. Do more in my life, and for myself.
The way my lower body feels when I’m in the gym is very surreal. With each press, each fly, or push, I can feel my legs and abdomen being engaged. The first few reps are so difficult, I can hardly do it. I dropped the weight, and really focus on engaging those muscles, and focusing on what I’m doing.
Silly thought, but potential energy is almost a form of “unlimited” energy. It’s an interesting way to think of it, and I can’t help but see that with all the weights in the gym. It’s so interesting to see all the future potential that they can create in human beings. By making us stronger, it allows us to accomplish things that we never knew were possible. It helps us increase our own strength, and create new ways of manipulating our surroundings to create what we want!
Mar 20th
Well, I was having a great start to the morning, but I really am able to get distracted by all of the happenings on the internets, and around me. It’s really an interesting time trying to get my day started.
Well well well. Fast forward thru the day, and It’s about 8 o’clock and I’m extremely tired. I even had a nap today too. Might have a little something to do with going to the gym as much as I have these past 3 days.
My stomach is churning like an angry set of rapids on an early spring day. My eyes are being lazy by focusing on things all lazily right now. I better eat up and get some calories in me. Might also need some water.
Wow, the gym went so well today!! Ian was really helpful with helping me setup and him and I had some really interesting conversations about all of the happenings. I had a lot to catch him up on since the last time we had both been at the gym, and I didn’t even know that it was his birthday earlier in the month! Shoot!
Fortunately I was able to do so many exercises for my abs, and I did some sit to stands at the gym as well! It was a really good gym session, I am veryyy hungry!
3/21
This is hard. Wow, shoot. This is even harder than what I remember it takes getting thru the days. This is an interesting perspective from last night, and how I was feeling just before bed time. I was completely exhausted, and needed a lot more help getting into bed than I usually do. It was all of the things stacked up on top of one another. These 3-a-days are really wearing! But I’m feeling so good right now!
My legs right now are seriously feeling the most engaged and there since the accident! It’s been such an interesting progression, waking up in the morning, taking a shower, and feeling the fullness and warmth thru my legs in this very moment. I had even noticed the water running down my chest and belly in the shower had caused 2 symmetrical lines of red where the skin gets warmed locally by the water running down my body! In the past, it was usually only my left side that had the red/pinkish color on my skin from being affected by the warmth/ water. It was a really interesting observation!
I also had this thought too about the trip back home for Easter! I’m really excited to see the family, but I know that I need to make sure I am setting myself up for a good baseline. I need to make sure I am doing the important things that I need to do, and then allowing myself time after for fun.
I don’t get too distracted with everything always! I know I’m a chatty boy and will very much want to visit with everyone, but that’s not what I need to do! I need to focus on taking care of myself, and then I can open up the time for fun!
I am really feeling so much in my quads today! And it’s so consistent! I really know all this hard work is paying off! It’s crazy feeling this much, and this much more in my calves as well! I am really trying to focus on this, as I haven’t been as focused on this as of lately.
My sitting balance has been so much better! My low back and abdomen are engaged and working on helping support me! I also got the referral to see the “lung-ologist” haha. Dr Ball understood that I would very much want to see one, and was on board with that as well!
It’s wild how fatigued my abdomen is right now. I’ll have to take a rest, maybe more on this later.
3/22
Huh. Sometimes I’m really amazed by this world. I really wasn’t expecting that Reddit post to pick up as much traction as it did. And then the kind messages it illicited was also very reassuring in my confidence in humanity.
I feel so much sensation throughout my legs when I’m at the gym. It gets stronger and stronger with each day I come. Trying to stabilize myself when I do a bicep curl or tricep extension is honestly really interesting.
Also, drumroll please! I DID IT! I made it to the gym everyday this week! I’m really glad that one day that Schmüle and I had that discussion! By talking thru how my future self is gonna thank me, and that it really is only temporary fatigue, it was interesting actually doing it! Doing more each week is what I’m working towards! I know that this is a lot of work, but I know that this is what I need to do, and work on!
3/23
When each day passes, I’m always in wonder at how it happens so quick. It’s really a fascinating idea.
It’s also really interesting how we think about “Work”. in physics it’s simply a ‘Force’ over a ‘Distance’. This to me, has a lot of application to our day to day life, and how it is we spend our days, on our feet and applying some mental or physical exertion. There was an interesting quote that I read from the physics stack exchange, “An analogy: if energy is the amount of money you have then work is a transaction. Using transactions you can exchange money between people. Using work you can exchange energy between objects. Energy and work both have the same units similar to how money and transactions are both measured using the same currency (like dollars or euros).”
What’s really interesting is how much energy we have throughout the day, and thinking about it this way. I really do only have so large of an energy reserve, and it does take a lot of work to propel me throughout the day. If I don’t spend my energy reserves wisely, I can definitely burn myself out. So I need to make sure I’m constantly replenishing and increasing the total amount of energy reserves in my body.
I think this is an interesting analogy, because it makes me now think what it is that I can do to hopefully increase my energy reserves! And one of the first things that comes to my mind is how I was able to work out 5 days this week! I’m really proud of myself, and I think it’s going to pay off the dividends that Schmüle and I have talked so much about lately.
Okay, time for a little more rest.
Going to the MurderBall tournament was so cool! I got to meet so many interesting people, and I saw so many folks in wheelchairs actually having fun and doing things! They really were getting after it!
It was crazy how I’m not “disabled enough” to even play this game! Usually you get scored on your impairment, and you need to usually have impairments in both your arms, trunk, and legs. Since my arms are okay, I don’t think I would even qualify to play, even if I wanted to! So interesting!
I was able to speak to a couple players, the coach for the WASA team, and then a friendly fellow in a wheelchair who participates in other adaptive sports. I think he is in a similar situation as me where his hands and arms are too functioning for him to be able to play?! It was weird at first, but I think it’s okay, because those fellas all have it so much different even from me.
I took this as an opportunity to take some pictures of them! I’ve never taken pictures of moving objects before, so this was a cool opportunity to try out this other hobby! It was a lot of fun!
This event was really eye opening to me, seeing the families of the fellas that were playing, and all the support we all really have. Those guys are just as lucky as me to have so many loving and wonderful people in their lives, and to help them do some really fun activities. It’s really amazing to see how people are able to push themselves when they have a goal. One day at a time, that’s all we can do.
The Astronaut on Earth 
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